Somewhere is the memory of who I was – the wide-eyed child with serious looks, who was quiet many times when others spoke, yet a chatterbox with her closest friends.
Does she shape me now that curious shy girl and tell me how far I’ve truly come in the journey of my life?
She made imaginary worlds on paper, mapped their details, cultures and characters.
She listed all her pet cats, named them and drew them in various poses.
Gradually she grew into a teenager. She took to writing in multicoloured rainbow pens and decorating notebooks as if they were art. Sometimes she wrote in purple inspired by her friend Isobel. I think she might have wanted to be an archaeologist or a healer of some sort.
She scribbled down every crush and every detailed moment she thought the crush might be shared, followed by every detailed moment it definitely wasn’t.
She wrote journal after journal but one day she chucked them all out.
Goodbye to my teenage self she said ‘I don’t need to remember things that were sad or difficult, I want to move on.’
But within those books was the journey of her life of – a brother in hospital, who might have never lived, Sky lab landings, and all the times she was happy or fought with her family. She listed books she read and food she liked to eat. She was the historian of her own life.
Everything poured out onto paper, but then she released and detached. She wanted to move beyond pages out into the world, because sometimes she felt trapped in her journals, like an Emily Dickinson, who couldn’t go beyond her home.
I look back at that child and teenager and know she shaped me now. She lived, observed and wrote of all around her. She learnt to let go of things she couldn’t change and she could look to the future. Writing was her shaper, and she shaped her writing.
She grew up to be a mother, a wife, and blogger.
Yet, moving on, looking at the old woman I will become, I hang onto my present day notebooks, and blogs. I photograph for memories and go back collecting my past.
I call to her that curious shy girl and say, ‘tell me a story from a journal you once wrote in.’
I call to the multi-coloured pen girl and smell the scent of her perfumed biro musings.
Past, and present me have made peace with each other.
I wonder if future me will be happy to leave her writings out in the world, I can’t know for sure as I reach her I will become present.
She is forever beyond reach.
Inspired by the Who Shaped Me project for ABC Open, this month’s Pearlz Dreaming blog theme will be about the people who inspire me and there are lots of them! Goal 19 pieces on Who Shaped Me.